Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
