apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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