I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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