I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
