You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
