in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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