i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
