Apparently you make a good broom.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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