The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
