I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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