I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize