Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
