What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
