the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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