Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
