In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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