I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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