there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
