Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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