I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
