Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
