I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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