I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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