why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
