I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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