did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
