I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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