got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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