You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
