drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
