So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
