You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
