Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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