I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
