he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
