If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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