She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
