my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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