She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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