I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize