My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
