I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
