Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize