my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
