i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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