i love accidental penises.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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