Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
