I think i sorta joined a cult last night
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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