Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize