I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
