why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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