Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
