i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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