I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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