maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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