just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
