I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
