also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
