is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize