i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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