I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
