just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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