I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
