i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
