Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
