Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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